A Deeper Dive with Audrey

My Conversation with Thom

My name is papillary thyroid carcinoma, but you can call me Thom. I’ve been living in your neighborhood for a while. I’ve been hanging out quietly, observing, learning and trying to know you. I think you are pretty cool! Pretty unique!! :) I’ve noticed a change in you over recent times and I’ve been a little concerned. I care about you and I felt it’s time to reach out to you and raise my hand to get your attention. 

I’m happy you have seen me. I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I love you. I know you are still going to do more great things before you leave this planet, so don’t worry about that. Okay. You have more time. But, I want to be clear with you, that the time that you do have left is valuable. This time is meant for you to go deep and feel, to ask questions and listen for answers. The answers you are seeking are all around you, in the things you enjoy doing. I’ve noticed you are not doing those things and that is why you are missing the conversation. Go back. Think, what are the things you enjoy? The things that speak to your heart? Do those things. Sit in those spaces in your mind. Can you make a list of those things?

Me: Yes, I can. I’ve always enjoyed looking up to the sky. Being in awe of the night sky, the stars, the planets… the moon. It speaks to me. I love the daylight too. The art in the clouds, colors and play with light brings happiness into my heart. They are speaking to me. Another thing I’ve always enjoyed is movement. Feeling the strength of my muscles, my body moving through space and time. I’ve enjoyed sports often but I want to explore dance more. Just feeling my physical body moving is amazing. Being in connection with people on a core level feeds my soul. Understanding and knowing a person helps me feel connected, valued and appreciated. I long for connection.

Thom: Yes. These are all beautiful examples of things I’ve seen you do in the past. I know things have changed for you in the last three years and change is good. How can you find this connection that you crave? But first, can you forgive me? Can you forgive me for coming forward in this form… you know, as cancer? I know it’s extreme and I know it’s scary. I needed to get your attention. I’m sorry to scare you. I’m sorry that you are now labeled as someone with cancer. I’m really, really sorry to do that to you, to us (I am you). I felt desperate like I really needed you to hear me. We have work to do and the only way we can do it is if you are connected. If we are connected. Although, I realize that my stepping forward in this way is suicide… because now you have to physically cut me out BUT it’s all worth it. I have done my job and you will forever have a reminder of me, my removal (the surgery) will leave a scar. I’m sorry. But, I choose to come as thyroid cancer to leave this scar on your throat so you can see it every day. You will remember me and the reason I came forward. I came forward because I love you so much that I sacrificed myself to save you. To help you find your way again. Can you forgive me?

Me: Thom, you kinda suck. Because of you, I am going to have a lot of fear. Because of you, I’m having stress, and anxiety, and my world feels like it's messed up. My body is reacting by wanting to be comforted with foods that are making me fat and squishy. Because of you, I can no longer say I’ve never had cancer. Because of you, I’ve caused pain in people who care about me. I don’t like hurting people. I want to help them feel good, not bad or sad or worried. I’m pretty mad at you. I get it. I understand what you've said and I appreciate that you chose to show up as thyroid cancer and not something worse… thank you!!! But, I think I need a little more time to process all you have stirred up. I’m hurt and scared. 

Thom: I get it. Totally. Know that you will be okay and that I came in love. You still have work to do. You are not done. 

Love, Thom
September 1, 2021 (20 days before my surgery)